The Friend Zone

The Friend Zone

Colby Martin had just gotten back from class and was sitting in his room playing Free Cell and half listening to Caroline who was on the phone, on speaker. It was the type of conversation that would last for at least half an hour, and would require only so much attention on Colby’s part. He wished that he was talking to ‘Knees’ instead of Caroline. But Caroline was a good friend of his, so he listened anyways, and in between arranging cards, this is what he picked up on.
“It’s a long story. Basically, I had been seeing this guy Ian but we never established whether or not we were exclusive. He hooked up with someone over break, and I hooked up with someone last weekend, like a dumbass. I felt terrible and didn’t even want to hook up with someone, but I told him about it anyways and he got kind of pissed. But after I told him, we decided that we weren’t exclusive, even though… we never were. Yeah, it’s confusing.
“So on Valentine’s Day, he didn’t hang out with me and Thursday night he completely ditched me. I went down to his room Saturday morning and was greeted by a "you look awful" and then he gave me flowers. Mixed messages UP MY ASS.
Then he goes, “yeah we'll totally hang out tonight”. He doesn’t call me; goes to the bars, and leaves me completely stranded and alone on Valentine’s. SO, we had a little conversation last night where I was like: ‘I don’t like being this close with you when I know you're hooking up with other girls, blablabla’. It’s a lot of talking and this is what comes out:
“Ian, ‘Well I was going to take you out to dinner but I was really pissed off after last weekend. So I bought you flowers and went out and hooked up with another girl on purpose.’
‘So you knew that I was going to be here alone on Valentine’s and you planned to go and hook up with another girl, after you gave me flowers and said we would hang out? You purposely wanted to upset me?’
‘Yeah I guess.’
‘Well congratulations, you succeeded.’
‘Thanks.’

Typical. Colby was always hearing these stories from his friends, or friend-girls as he liked to call them. He wasn’t the type who dated a lot of girls; instead, he liked to collect them. This wasn’t for any physical motive – at least not most of the time – and whenever his guy friends asked “why not?” he said, “I’m just making an investment, man.”

But lately almost all of Colby’s friend-girls had been complaining to him about their boyfriends, or their supposed-to-be boyfriends, like Caroline, who did something, or didn’t do something, and how they were mad, and they didn’t know what to do, or they didn’t know what they could do, and how it made them so angry, and how they were so sick of boys, who are just so stupid (but not you Colby, that’s different), and how they should all just grow up and stop being so immature. His friend Gabbi said it was because Venus was in retrograde – the last time Venus was in retrograde all her friends had serious relationship issues. Hailey blamed it on Valentine’s Day - something bad always happens to her on Valentine’s Day. Next year she’s going to lock herself in her room and not do anything.
Colby knew that the point of these rants was never to actually solve anything. He could tell Caroline what the problem was with Ian, and how she could fix it, but nothing would change. He could tell Hailey why the only time Ryan calls her is at one in the morning, and only after he’d been drinking, but she still wouldn’t understand why Ryan wouldn’t hang out with her. Colby told himself, “I guess sometimes people just need something to complain about.”

So he continued to listen half-mindedly to Caroline, throwing in the occasional “yeah”, and “mhm”, or “okay”, until her cry for help, or whatever it was, seemed like it was coming to a close.

“Well obviously this guy thinks he’s hot shit, and clearly he’s not. Caroline you’re too good to be messing around with guys who don’t appreciate you. I mean he hooked up with someone first, and then he went out and did this Valentine’s crap, and he’s mad at you? I mean if anyone has the right to be mad it’s you Caroline. Honestly, I think you should just forget about it, don’t let it bother you.”

“I know, but like, now things are going to be so much more complicated. Like, everything was so much easier when I was with him.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Everything was just like, stress free, like I didn’t have to worry about him or any other boys or whatever. I know it sounds crazy.”

“Caroline, it is crazy. There are like a million other boys at Boston College and I’m sure you won’t have any trouble finding a guy who would make you happy. I mean come on Caroline, you’re hot, and you’re fun, and you’re -”

“I know but, what am I supposed to do about Ian?”

“Fuck it! If he’s at all worth keeping, then he’ll realize what he did wrong and he’ll come back to you and he’ll ask for forgiveness and you can worry about it then. But like, you shouldn’t put up with someone who’s going to treat you like that; you’re too good for him.”

“Yeah, but...

******

Her real name was Molly, but Colby called her ‘Knees’ because she always wore these jeans that were torn just right with two big holes that showed off her knees. She existed just outside of Colby’s circle of friends and he hardly saw her around campus. She liked to keep to herself and she held an air of mystery that completely captured Colby. When they did get together, it seemed to be more about serendipity than anything else. They would lie out in the grass, usually on grass, and when it was too cold to go outside they stayed in bed with way too many blankets while Colby’s roommates watched TV. She wasn’t like any other girls he had met. She had detached herself from all the drama that bothered everybody else, and when Colby was with her he felt that same freedom. It was like something was different about him, he was not himself, not the advice giver, he was free from all that. She was the only girl Colby felt truly comfortable around, but he was afraid that if he tried to pursue a relationship with her, everything he liked about what they had would disappear. So instead he tried to let things happen naturally, by being as far from her as he could without leaving her mind completely.

It was the first Friday in March and Knees was sprawled out in Colby’s lap, looking up at him curiously, like she was waiting for some secret to reveal itself in his face. Colby looked down at her just the same way, his lips pulling themselves into a smile. It would be the perfect time for him to say something like “I can’t believe I have you like this” or “Why are you so cute?” Instead, Colby’s face flashed and he said. “Oh what’s up, Knees!”And she laughed, pulling on his shirt, sitting up so that their lips met halfway, and everything was good.

“So what are you doing tonight?” Knees was now sitting up, perpendicular to Colby, picking at the white threads that had frayed off of the holes in her jeans.

“Umm, I don’t know,” Colby was looking away now too, trying to find an answer somewhere in the corner of the ceiling. “I’ll probably go out to Jackson’s; I think he’s having some people over tonight. What about you?”

“Well,” she paused, pulling on a particularly stubborn thread until it snapped, then turned around to face Colby. “I was gonna see if you wanted to hang tonight. My roommate is out of town so I kind of have the room to myself.”

“Yeah?” He said looking at her, and then looking down, playing with the divide between her jeans and he knees. “We should go to the party and then crash back at your place!”

Knees opened her mouth to say something, but before any words came out Colby sprang up, and grabbed his phone out of his pocket.

“Hey can you call me back later tonight? I’m kind of busy right now. Alright, cool. Talk to you then. Ugh, sorry. That was Caroline, she’s probably having trouble with her boyfriend or whatever again.” He tossed the phone into the couch and ran his hands through his hair, clasping them together at the base of his neck and stretched.

“You know, I think you should really let her deal with her own problems. She’s never really going to get over it if you keep babying her.” She looked right at him.

“Yeah… I mean, you’re right. It’s just, I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” He looked down at his shoes and noticed a stain he hadn’t seen before. “So, do you want to go to that party tonight?”

Before they could go to the party Knees had to stop by her room to shower and get ready. Colby told her that they’d meet at her place around nine and then they could head over to Jackson’s together. While he waited he thought too much, and beat himself up about bringing up Caroline, and played too many games of Free Cell. He realized he was going to be late and thought about stealing someone’s bike so that he would make it on time. But then he thought that if he rode a bike he would look sweaty and red, and Knees would know he was late anyways. So he sent her a text message, rephrasing it seven times before he actually sent it. She didn’t text him back right away, so he walked double time. The cool air burned in his chest as hurried across campus.

When he got to her room, she had just gotten out of the shower and was still putting on her makeup. Colby waited awkwardly, trying not to pay too much attention to the bras and panties on the floor. She came out of the bathroom followed by the smell of flowers and sandstone, and apologized for the room being so dirty.

“My roommate doesn’t do anything.” She said, kicking some of the clothes under one of the beds in the corner of the room.

On the walk over to Jackson’s, Colby told her stories about some of the other parties Jackson was known for. Like the time when they found a can of paint in the parking lot and decided to repaint the walls. The landlord saw the aftermath and made them paint the rest of the apt to match. So the next night Jackson bought six more buckets of paint and called all his friends over again to finish the job. He told her, “If we’re lucky, Jackson will be naked by the end of the night.”

When they got to Jackson’s, the place Colby was greeted with a drunken acclamation from the crowd that had gathered in the living room. He waved off his friends like he was conducting some terrible orchestra and pulled Knees through the crowd and back to Jackson’s room where he kept a private bar. The room was locked during such events, but Colby showed Knees that if you pulled down on the handle and kicked the bottom of the door, then it would pop open. “See that hole? I accidently kicked too hard one night… haha!” He began drinking – fast – like he normally did, and introduced Knees to almost everyone at the party. His friends kept pulling him away from her, leaning forward and looking at him like it was the most serious thing they would ever and say, “She’s really cute man. Like, REALLY cute.” And he laughed them all off, and rubber-banded back to Knees, who kept looking at him sideways, trying to find some secret in his face. And everything, it seemed, was good again.

But after his third or fourth drink, (he couldn’t remember) his pocket started vibrating, and he knew who was calling. He didn’t pick up the first time, “She’s probably just drunk”, but after she called again, and then again once more, he told Knees “be right back,” and headed back to Jackson’s room.

“Caroline, what’s up?” He started making himself another drink.

“Collbyy? Hello?” Her voice was shaky; it sounded like a broken accordion. Colby braced himself for what was going coming next. When she talked it reminded himself of someone learning to ride a bike, all fast at first but eventually she lost control and had to stop and think about she was saying, and after a few moments the whole thing started all over again.

“Oh my god! I don’t even know where I am right now! Like, me and my friends were all together, and we were supposed to have a girls night out but then Melissa got bored and made all of us go to this stupid party, and I didn’t even want to go because I was in a bad mood in the first place, and when we got there I saw Ian! And he was talking to some girl!” She started sobbing on the other end of the line.

“Caroline! Why? Are you drunk? I can barely even understand you! Start over again.”

“No you don’t even understand! Like he was talking to her, and I know that when he talks to girls like that then he just wants to get with them! He did the same thing to me! He’s such an asshole! I can’t even believe it! I’m so sad right now!”

“Caroline where are you right now? Are you still there?”

“No I don’t even know! I’m outside, and I’m all alone, and I don’t know where I am! I left and I just started walking, and I don’t know what to do right now!”

“Caroline, - no, listen to me. If you’re drunk and you’re outside then you need to find the party and get back inside. If a cop sees you then you’re probably – no, listen, listen, Caroline, if a cop sees you you’ll probably get arrested. So you need to go back to the party alright?”

“But that’s where Ian is!” Then she started bawling, and there was nothing Colby could do to make her stop. The flood gates were open and he had to let everything run its course. By the time he was able to calm her down enough to call her friend’s to find her, he had gone through two more drinks. When he tried to stand up, it was like somebody pushed him. He lost his balance and had to sit back down.

“Oh God, I’m drunk.”

He stumbled up and down, and staggered through the hallway looking for Knees who wasn’t where he left her and who didn’t seem to be anywhere inside. He found Jackson, who told him “Nah I don’t know where she is now, but she was looking for you earlier. I told her you were on the phone. She seemed kind of pissed.”

Colby cursed under his breath, and noticed the stain on his shoe once more and said, “Give me a cigarette; I need a cigarette.” He walked outside and almost fell down the stairs to the parking lot, where he saw a girl sitting on the curb in front of the apartment smoking cigarettes.

“Molly? I was just looking for you.”

“I thought you always called me ‘Knees’.” She stood up, turning to face Colby and took a big drag from her cigarette, which she then flicked to the ground, scraping it out with her shoe.

“What?”

“Well obviously you’re drunk.” She started digging through her purse for something, while Colby tried to figure out what he’d said.

“Are you mad at me because I talked to Caroline?” He said, hoping he wasn’t swaying as much as Knees’ oscillating image suggested.

“No Colby, I’m mad at you because I’m having a great time.” Her arms were now crossed in front of her chest and her eyes gleamed. It was the saddest thing Colby had ever seen.

“Look, she was having trouble -”

“Yeah with her boyfriend, Colby, I know. But seriously! Why do you always put up with her? All I wanted to do was spend some time with you tonight, but instead you take me to a party where I don’t know anyone, all the girls are giving me nasty looks, and then you ditch me to talk to Caroline?”

“What? Why are you so mad? Really? I didn’t do anything.”

“Yeah, EXACTLY. I just wanted to spend some time with you tonight, it’s not like we ever hang out. You never call,” Colby noticed small red patches spreading across cheeks. Her bottom lip quivered and tears started welling up and illuminating her stony green eyes, which usually seemed so tired and faded. “I only came out tonight because I thought it would make you happy. But really it was just a waste of time. Now you’re wasted. God, how can you be so stupid Colby!” A single tear fell down Molly’s cheek. It rolled slowly at first, carelessly sliding across her face, leaving a thin trail. Colby tried to think of what to say, how he could tell her why he refused to let himself get close to her. How everything he did that kept them apart was meant to keep them together. He stepped forward and opened his arms, but she drew back, still staring at him, shaking her head. He took another step forward, reaching out for Molly, but she drew back even further. Another tear fell out of her eye.

“Let me walk you back to your room.”

“Stop it Colby.”

“Just let me, just let me walk you back.”

“Colby no! I already called one of my friends. Go back to your party, I’m sure everyone is waiting on you.”

Colby hated himself for being drunk. He hated Caroline for calling him. He hated Knees for wanting him. His mind churned over itself, faces, promises, days with Molly flashed at a terrible speed. He wanted to hold her, tell her it was alright, and that he was sorry and he never meant to hurt her, but she kept backing away, piercing him with her tear glistened eyes.

“Go, Colby. Leave me alone. Go call Caroline, or Hailey, or go back to all those girls inside, leave me alone.” The tears, which had been falling one at a time, began to run freely from her eyes.

“Fine. Sorry. Sorry I care about my friends, sorry that when somebody calls I just don’t blow them off. Sorry that I do more than just sit around and smoke weed all da-”

A bottle tossed off a balcony smashed on the sidewalk in front of the apartment behind them.

“Fuck you.”

“I, didn’t - I didn’t mea-”

“No, fuck you.”

Colby fell against the side of the hallway in Jackson’s apartment, tripping over several people who were passed out in the living room. When he made it outside at to the stairs it looked like there were twice as many steps leading downstairs to the outside of the building. Holding onto both handrails Colby slowly let himself down, step by step. He took the last four stairs too quickly and landed hard on his side at the bottom, resting there before attempting to get up. Still lying on the ground, Colby noticed an old bike that had been thrown into a bush just in front of him. He thought about what Molly told him one time, “a bike will balance itself once you start moving.”

Some of the links on the bike chain were bent, the gears jammed and the biked lurched forward suddenly when Colby pedaled. Both tires were flat and when he pulled on the left brake, the bike showed no desire to slow down. “This fucking bike is just as drunk as I am”. Colby rode unbalanced, wobbling back and forth down University Drive. He was nearing the gates to campus when, from in front of him, around the corner, headlights appeared. Colby felt himself on the pavement. His head was wet, but warm. His hands were cold. He could see the trees above him blurring together.

Colby opened his eyes and he was laying, but sitting up, in a strange white bed. He moved his arm and felt something tugging on the back of his hand. Then, without warning, his stomach lurched, and Colby doubled over, dry heaving into his lap. Every time his body convulsed he felt like his head was about to split open. He let a little dribble drool out onto his lap, then sat back against the bed and closed his eyes, trying to piece together the night. He remembered the car, and he remembered the bike. He tried going back further, but could only remember walking back up the stairs from the parking lot. He felt an overwhelming sense of dread and knew that there was something just beneath the surface. The doorknob click and two nurses walked in carrying food trays. One of them came to his bedside and set down his meal.

“Well, well, now look who’s awake. You had a rough night last night didn’t you Mr. Martin.” She didn’t look at him when she talked, focusing her attention instead on his food and I.V. bag. The other nurse was behind the curtain that separated Colby from his roommate.

“Nurse?”

“Yes honey?” She paused from her duties and looked at Colby over her glasses.

“What exactly happened to me last night?” As he said this, he could hear a sniffle from behind his roommate’s curtain.

“Well, you were brought into the emergency room at four in the morning, head bleeding, all black and blue, with a blood alcohol level of .223. You’re lucky kid, if you weren’t so drunk you’d probably have broken a lot more than just your head.”

“Oh… What happened to my clothes, do you have my phone?”

“We have everything here for you, but don’t think you’re going anywhere any time soon. The doctor wants to get a couple more pictures of your head before he lets you go.”

By the time Colby got his phone back, it was almost out of battery. He went straight to the recent calls, hoping the activity on his phone would help him recall his night. The only person he called last night was Caroline. “So much for that.” He snapped his phone shut and was about to turn it off when he noticed something he hadn’t seen before. The background had been changed to a picture of him and Knees, who was sprawled out on his lap, sitting on the couch in his room. Then he remembered what happened. He remembered their argument, and Caroline, and even the beer bottle that got smashed right after he called her a pot head. Then he remembered how he went back inside, and started drinking until he threw up, and then drinking some more. He flipped his phone open again. They both looked so happy in that picture. He was wearing the hemp necklace she made for him, and she was looking at him with that look like she was trying to find secrets behind his face. Her head cocked to the side, eyebrows drawn slightly together, her lips smiling, though she couldn’t tell why, and her eyes tired and faded, looking up at him patiently.

Hell Is Other Parties

This was my first attempt at writing a short story; I wrote it for a writing contest and ended up getting second place!

Hell Is Other Parties

8:30 – 9:00

“When are you going to quit complaining and actually bring home a girl so that you can finally get laid? I’ll sleep in John’s room if you want, man... the room’s all yours if you need it”

These were the last words Eric heard from his roommate before he set out for the night. ‘The Row is sounding pretty good tonight,’ he thought. He hadn’t even stepped off the lawn of the freshmen quad when he could hear a soft murmur of bass beats blasting from the speakers and amps of some four fraternity houses. It was nearing the end of the second semester, and Eric had yet to romance any ladies. But this week was the infamous “Frat Fiesta,” supposedly one of the biggest party events east of the Appalachians, and Eric was feeling somewhat lucky.

At Algernon College, “partying” generally is synonymous with “heavy drinking”

“Man I was so drunk last night… talk about BLACKOUT”

“Yeah man, Friday night we were all HOUSED, crazy night though, definitely”

“Nah, I think that was the night when I drank a fifth… definitely a good night”

Back at home Eric would listen enviously to his high school friends tell stories about the crazy-wild parties and lust-ridden girls who went to their respective schools. For them it seemed so easy, maybe too easy, to accomplish that deed all young men seek. Of course, when it was his turn to boast about his experiences at college, Eric would have the convenient excuse, “Oh I go to an all-guys school.”

It wasn’t that Eric did not enjoy going to Algernon College; he thought the academics were great and he had made some pretty good friends. But, he felt that something essential was missing… that essential thing of course being: girls.

Girls, girls, girls. Sometimes Eric wondered if being in an all testosterone environment made him more appreciative of girls, or if it simply made him objectify women worse. One thing he was sure of though, was that his “game” had suffered. He had forgotten how to flirt. But tonight, that was going to change. Eric was sure of it. He was definitely, for sure, without a doubt, going to find a girl tonight, and then bring her back to his room. He had to; it was a must. It’s Frat Fiesta. How could he not?

Girls will be so drunk they’d probably hook up with Little-Man, he showed up, a Building and Grounds yard man who was a campus legend. He stood tall at 5’1.

Eric continued making his way across the lawn of the quad, heading first to meet with his friend Nick before he really set out for Greek Row, party central. Nick lived in D – Hall, only about fifty yards from Greek Row, and a good place to “pre-game” before heading out to do some serious partying, drinking. Pre-gaming set you up for serious drinking. Eric learned pretty soon into his college that he couldn’t rely on the frats to get drunk. Even if the frats were giving out house beer, it generally ran out before 11 o clock, an hour before anyone would head back to their room.

As he neared Greek Row, the hum of the bass beats began to grow louder; he could even hear a few girls, screaming from the Row. Ahead he noticed a small band of girls huddled and whispering. He figured they were from Lyon University, a co-ed school in town. There were two brunettes, one a little shorter than the other, and a girl with slightly reddish hair, who was both taller and wider than the two girls on her side. Eric wondered if he should try and talk to them. The brunettes seemed pretty cute, and they weren’t too far away from him; he wasn’t too sure about the red head, but maybe they would want to pre-game with him and Nick. He decided he should at least try.

“Hey ladies!” he called out to them with a big smile.

They stopped abruptly, and one of them let out a noise that seemed to be a mix between a scoff and a giggle. Eric didn’t know if he should keep walking towards them or if he, too, should stop where he was. Part of him wanted to turn and run. He then realized just how weak his game was. The middle girl, the redhead, turned around and crossed her arms. He could tell that she was an upper classman, maybe a sophomore or a junior (her roundness said that... too much beer and fried commons food to be a freshman), and she was definitely the dictator of the group. But he could also tell that her two friends were first years; they were slim and hadn’t been spoiled by beer and grease. Eric continued to walk towards the trio with his grin glued on his face, as the group leader decided to speak up. She eyed him up and down with a face that looked as if she had just smelled something foul.

“Uh… hi.” And then she turned around and started walking again, ESP-ing her troop to do the same.

Her command caused Eric to stop dead in his tracks. She was so saturated in sarcasm it was frightening. Immediately Eric’s smile dropped to the ground, his eyebrows rose, and his jaw fell open. He was confused and he was pissed off.

“What the fuck was that?! What the hell? What did I do wrong?! What the fuck? Did I just get told off by an ugly girl? An ugly fat girl? What? Who does she think she is? Fuck!”

He continued to walk towards Nick’s room, just fifty feet behind what he now considered his first failure of the night. The girls continued walking to the frats, laughing and, even looking back once or twice to see if he’d survived his brush with death.

9:00 – 10:00

D – Hall, was one of the oldest buildings on campus. At one point in time almost the entire college was contained within D – Hall. But as the student body continued to grow, the college saw fit to transform the ancient building into student housing. Since then, it has become a place of debauchery.

D – Hall. This combination of hormones and cabin fever made for some pretty interesting results. Keep in mind that no more drinking, smoking, or smoking, occurred in D – Hall than elsewhere, at least on a per capita basis, but because of the size of D – Hall that consumption was particularly overwhelming. Just imagine how many beers it takes for two-hundred-and-some freshmen to get drunk. Every hallway, stairwell, dorm room, bathroom, and closet, smelled like something. That something was a mixture of beer or some other type of alcoholic beverage, vomit, a particular green plant, air deodorizer, or urine. The intensity of the stench coincided with student activities, increasing during the weekends and subsiding during the week. Usually by Thursday Eric could ignore the stink.

Eric burst into Nick’s room.

“I need a beer. Actually, I need twenty.”

“Hellll yeah, we’re bonging all those right? Yo man, tonight is gonna be off – the – chain, fuckin’ ridic’, you know what I mean? I heard Theta has a band tonight; actually, I can hear that Theta has a band tonight…” Nick stuck his body half way out the window to try to get a glimpse of the commotion that was Greek Row. “And then Crow (Alpha Chi Row) has a DJ, umm, SPE (Sigma Phi Epsilon) is throwing down pretty hard, oh and then Alex said that Zeta and also Phi Mu are having something. We better get to drinkin’.”

He pulled some beers out of the mini fridge under his bed along with a large funnel that had been stuck into a three foot long, one and a half inch wide tube – a beer bong, a device that was specifically made for rapid pace binge drinking. As Nick began carefully filling up the drinking contraption, Eric told him how he’d been shot down.

“I’m depressed, dude. I just got shot down by a fat girl. Eric put on his ‘thousand mile stare’ stare and looked utterly hopeless, like how his dad told him about some of his friends in Vietnam.

“Why are you hitting on fat girls anyways? I thought you had more class than that.” Nick was too busy pouring his beer bong to fully understand, or care about Eric’s answer.

“Well, I mean, like, I wasn’t hitting on her. She had two cute friends. And I don’t know, all I did was say, ‘Hey ladies’, and she had to go and be bia’ about it. She was just like, ‘Uh…hi.’, and then they started walking away. I mean what the fuck is that? Fuckin’ gay man.”

Nick proceeded to empty the contents of the beer bong down his throat and immediately began pouring another one, this time for Eric.

“Shit man. Fuck girls. They’re just stupid. A waste of our time. We go to an all dudes school anyways. Every girl who comes here is either a slut or thinks she’s gonna get raped. I mean seriously, think about it. When they come here, it’s like… a bunch of hunters in the woods with machine guns, all going after the same goddamn deer. And really, all that happens, is that she gets scared away by the gunfire. Cuz not only do these hunters have machine guns, but also, they’re allll drunk.”

Eric had heard this from Nick before. Earlier in the year he was dumped by his long term girlfriend and the result was a very cynical, hormonal male.

“Whatever man. I mean, still, it’s Frat Fiesta week. You’d think the girls wouldn’t be such bitches and actually let their guard down, you know? I mean Jesus, I’ve been here” – Eric paused to take his beer bong – “for almost… two semesters now, and have yet to meet a decent girl.” The beer bong made his eyes cross and remembering Steph broke his heart again.

“Yeah that’s cuz by ‘decent’ you mean ‘someone who will sleep with me’. I mean I don’t know if you’ve been boycotting mirrors or anything but I don’t know man… you’ve kinda let yourself go…”

“Mannn, shut up, you’re fucking gay. Nice to know you’ve been checking me out.”

“Nah, but seriously, its POINTLESS to try and find a decent girl here. I mean maybe if you’d decided to take that bid from Alpha Sig… maybe then you’d have met some girls. But dude, seriously, if you aren’t a brother somewhere, you’re not gonna get laid, so like, don’t even worry about it. And if it happens, it happens, but don’t expect it. The sooner you realize that, the more fun tonight will be. “So just, fuck girls –”

Eric under his breath “Yeah I wish…”

“ – and let’s just keep doing beer bongs, make some drinks, head over to the frats, and get wasted. And have fun. Good times. Promise.”

Eric squirmed a little in his chair. Clearly he was not happy with what Nick was telling him. Eric knew that what Nick said was true, but still.

The pair continued to drink until they both decided that they were feeling “pretty good”, Eric had mostly forgotten the failure and was in higher spirits. Nick was as lively as ever, and was already beginning his drunken shenanigans.

Karate kicking trash cans, jumping off of the walls or anything else that seemed like it could support his weight (and some things that looked like they couldn’t), punting half empty beer cans, and challenging anyone and everyone to freestyle rap battles. This wasn’t wholly due to the alcohol. Nick was a pretty wild character to begin with; the wall kicks and can punting happened any night. Eric’s drunk act was milder. He always had some kind of smile on his face, sheepish, or devious, or just downright stupid. But the night was looking ripe, and their timing was perfect. Each was armed with as many beers as they had pockets and each of them carried a strong mixed drink in their hands. All over campus there were bands of students heading over to the Row. Whoops and hollers were echoing throughout the entire campus, and the hum from the bass beats was growing louder and louder. Off in the distance girls were screaming and laughing, drunk fraternity brothers were throwing beers, and if one listened close enough, he could hear a band playing a cover of an old eighties song. The whole campus was buzzing with activity.

10:00 – 1:00

The Alpha Chi Rho “party bunker” was sweltering. At least a hundred bodies were packed into a space about the size of a three car garage, and all of these bodies were grinding, dancing, drinking, yelling, and sweating. Some of them were in the bathroom heaving; others were in the corners of the bunker making out. Some were even right in the middle of the party bunker making out, the sea of bodies helped ensure privacy. The DJ who operated the party was doing his best to play the heaviest bass beats he could find to keep that “booty-bass-sound alive through the fine vibrations of the mother ship”. Eric noticed that this “booty bass” was doing its job – every girl he saw was dancing like there was no tomorrow. Some of the girls looked absurd they were trying so hard. Their faces were contorted into some serious do-or-die expression, hips moving, arms bobbing above the head, knees half bent, booties bumping. The scene was awesome. Every level surface, including the bar, had girls dancing on it. The DJ alone had three girls all to himself. The bartenders were thoroughly occupied trying to give away what was left of the house beer to their patrons, having to dodge stamping feet and gyrating hips, just waiting for one of these girls to fall off the bar. Maybe then they would finally get to drink.

Eric often wondered why girls danced on elevated surfaces when they were drunk. He asked Nick.

“They probably do it cuz they want me to climb up there with them, and actually show them how to move… Yeaaah, I bet they all want it, and they’re just waiting for someone with big enough balls to go up and talk to them. I think I should go talk to one of them right now.” But then Nick’s voice was drowned.

“Yeah right, more like cuz they’re all just dumb hoes and all they want is attention, and they’re not afraid of breaking a couple bar tops if that’s what it takes to get it.” Eric liked his analysis.

Eric decided that it would be better if he drank a little more before he tried to talk to any girls – he had to be sure he had charm.

By now, Nick was in his own world. It didn’t matter what was happening around him; the crowd might have been able to contain his person, but it did nothing to contain his character. Nick talked up a storm when he was drunk. What was remarkable about this was that the girls loved it, his crazy spiel. They ate it up; they thought he was funny and cute. To them he was some kind of crazy-wild college boy who knew a good time. Yet, no matter how many girls fell under his spell, Nick was still pessimistic about girls. While Nick was floating around having a blast, dancing with whichever girl he bothered to smile at, Eric was stuck in the corner sucking down a beer, trying to think of what would sound best to a drunk girl dancing on top of a bar.

Out of the corner of his eye Eric saw two figures making their way towards him. Two slender frames dressed in tight jeans and showy tops were shuffling by the edges of the dance mob right towards Eric. Then, one of these girls was leaning right in on his ear.

“My friend wants to dance with you!” She had to yell to get his attention.

“What? What did you say?!” Eric yelled back to be heard over the music.

“My friend wants to dance with you! Here!”

All of a sudden a little brunette girl with straightened hair and a pretty face threw her hands over Eric’s neck, as if she was falling forward and he was there to keep her balance. Eric staggered back a step. He could tell by the way she was hanging on his neck that she was going fast.She tilted her head and looked up at him and laughed. Eric thought, “Okay, she’s smacked”.

He couldn’t remember exactly how it happened, but all of a sudden Eric was in the middle of the dance mob with this cute little drunk girl getting his dance on. These dance charades made him realize how drunk he actually was.

The girl was just shorter than Eric and very slim. To Eric she was sexy as hell. She was rubbing her backside into his front side. Eric stood there bobbing back and forth; his main responsibility was to support her as a leaning post, and rock his knees a little. He also was in charge of keeping his hands on her hips to give her further support as she rocked her hips and pressed herself into him.

After a song, or two or three, (party bunkers seem to disobey any rules regarding the space – time continuum) Eric leaned forward to her. He didn’t know if she could tell he was ecstatic.

“I’M ERIC BY THE WAY!” he yelled to communicate. She turned around and let him envelope her, looking up into his face again, still smiling giddily.

“I’m ASHLEEYY!” Just then he heard a strange noise. It sounded like Nick.

“Yo yo yo yo yoo yo! Yo ERIIC. WOOoo, HEY girrrll. Hah hah!! Yo man” – he put his hand on his shoulder and leaned in close to Eric, yelling right into his ear – “Yo man, I’m going to Siggaa Phi, to check out that band! Have fun with your lady! HAH haaah!”

Eric flashed Nick a thumbs up.

Eric blindly danced on with Ashleeyy. They danced making it something of a workout. The bunker was a furnace.

“Hey, do you have a beer?” She leaned in close to his ear..

“Nah, do they have any at the bar?”

The girl frowned and shook her head. Eric realized he would have to act fast. He leaned in close. “I have some drinks in my room, I think. It’s not too far from here, its over in D – Hall!” Yelling made it hard to give the message any feeling other than loudness. Eric second guessed himself because Ashleeyy’s expression was hard to read. It seemed as though she was thinking. Maybe she hadn’t understandood what he had said. Should he repeat himself? Then she looked up at him with her now trademark, dolled-up smile as if he had just told her the most important thing in the world. He liked this. Second guessing dragged on in Eric’s head.

“Yeah, I guess.” She bit her lip.

“Haha, alright! Let’ss gooo!” Now Eric was dragging out his syllables.

By now he was gunning it. They hurried down the Row past the thumping frat houses. She would tell him she was cold and he would pull her in by the hip and they would get off balance and stagger on step by step, laughing back to D – Hall. They climbed up the stairs to Nick’s room

“You’re not just taking me up here, to take advantage of meeee are you?!”

Eric’s mind began to race again, “Are you kidding? What do you mean?”

Luckily Ashley laughed a little more.

“I promise you it’s like right around the corner, we can just grab a few beers and head back to the Row.”

Eric was now doing his best not to seem shady; he definitely did not want to ruin any chances he might have. He had taken two or three steps into the room and turned around to make another attempt. “Welcome to my humble home!”

Ashley threw her arms over him and pressed her lips against his. She was shoving him over the back frame of a cheap metal futon that sat in the middle of the room. Eric did his best with half of the embrace.

“Oh-my-god. This is awesome, I’m totally scoring with this really hot girl, holy crap, yess, I’m fuckin’ awesome, hahh hahh, yeaah sonn!” Eric’s head began flying; he was having the time of his life. Everything was carrying itself out like clockwork. He kicked his shoes off, she flicked her heels off. His shirt came off; her top went flying across the room. Eric was looking lucky, Eric was feeling lucky. Eric was feeling all sorts of things.

Here’s the kick. And he’s off! The tens, the twenties, now the thirties! He heading straight down field, how far will he go! He’s passed fifty yard line, there go the forties, and the thirties. He just might go all the way!

Eric knew it was going to go all the way. He was about to accomplish his night’s mission! And just then a phone a rang. It actually wasn’t a ring, but rather, a cheap polyphonic ring tone of a popular rap song.

“Mmmph, hold on.” She sat up and pulled a skinny silver phone out of somewhere and flipped it open, putting it to her ear. “Hello? Yeah… No I’m in D – Hall right now… Phi Mu? No, it’s like right next to the Row…. What? Are you serious? Okay well hold on... Yeah, no, it’s alright. Yeah okay… alright… byeee!” She flipped the phone closed and put it back in her pocket and then shifted her weight off of Eric to stand up.

“That was, Whitney. I have to go meet up with her.” Ashley got her top from the other side of the room and pulled it on over her head. She didn’t even look at Eric, who was leaning up on his elbows still on the futon,.

“Ummm, do you have those beers?” She asked him as if she was ordering them with a pizza.

“Oh… uh yeah. Um they’re under the bed, in the mini fridge…’

“K, thanks.” She pulled out three beers, and moved towards the door.

“I’ll call you in like two minutes, I swear. Whitney is just freaking out a little right now…. Byyeee!” She let her goodbye sound cheap.

Eric knew he wouldn’t see this girl for the rest of the night. He suddenly felt really tired. The ceiling was swaying violently. He was felt very dizzy. He put his hands over his eyes and let out moan that turned into a yawn.

“I’m drunk.”

The futon was becoming more and more comfortable; it felt like a nice place to pass out. As his eyes began to close, he was comforted by one last fact.

At least it’s only Wednesday.