The Friend Zone

The Friend Zone

Colby Martin had just gotten back from class and was sitting in his room playing Free Cell and half listening to Caroline who was on the phone, on speaker. It was the type of conversation that would last for at least half an hour, and would require only so much attention on Colby’s part. He wished that he was talking to ‘Knees’ instead of Caroline. But Caroline was a good friend of his, so he listened anyways, and in between arranging cards, this is what he picked up on.
“It’s a long story. Basically, I had been seeing this guy Ian but we never established whether or not we were exclusive. He hooked up with someone over break, and I hooked up with someone last weekend, like a dumbass. I felt terrible and didn’t even want to hook up with someone, but I told him about it anyways and he got kind of pissed. But after I told him, we decided that we weren’t exclusive, even though… we never were. Yeah, it’s confusing.
“So on Valentine’s Day, he didn’t hang out with me and Thursday night he completely ditched me. I went down to his room Saturday morning and was greeted by a "you look awful" and then he gave me flowers. Mixed messages UP MY ASS.
Then he goes, “yeah we'll totally hang out tonight”. He doesn’t call me; goes to the bars, and leaves me completely stranded and alone on Valentine’s. SO, we had a little conversation last night where I was like: ‘I don’t like being this close with you when I know you're hooking up with other girls, blablabla’. It’s a lot of talking and this is what comes out:
“Ian, ‘Well I was going to take you out to dinner but I was really pissed off after last weekend. So I bought you flowers and went out and hooked up with another girl on purpose.’
‘So you knew that I was going to be here alone on Valentine’s and you planned to go and hook up with another girl, after you gave me flowers and said we would hang out? You purposely wanted to upset me?’
‘Yeah I guess.’
‘Well congratulations, you succeeded.’
‘Thanks.’

Typical. Colby was always hearing these stories from his friends, or friend-girls as he liked to call them. He wasn’t the type who dated a lot of girls; instead, he liked to collect them. This wasn’t for any physical motive – at least not most of the time – and whenever his guy friends asked “why not?” he said, “I’m just making an investment, man.”

But lately almost all of Colby’s friend-girls had been complaining to him about their boyfriends, or their supposed-to-be boyfriends, like Caroline, who did something, or didn’t do something, and how they were mad, and they didn’t know what to do, or they didn’t know what they could do, and how it made them so angry, and how they were so sick of boys, who are just so stupid (but not you Colby, that’s different), and how they should all just grow up and stop being so immature. His friend Gabbi said it was because Venus was in retrograde – the last time Venus was in retrograde all her friends had serious relationship issues. Hailey blamed it on Valentine’s Day - something bad always happens to her on Valentine’s Day. Next year she’s going to lock herself in her room and not do anything.
Colby knew that the point of these rants was never to actually solve anything. He could tell Caroline what the problem was with Ian, and how she could fix it, but nothing would change. He could tell Hailey why the only time Ryan calls her is at one in the morning, and only after he’d been drinking, but she still wouldn’t understand why Ryan wouldn’t hang out with her. Colby told himself, “I guess sometimes people just need something to complain about.”

So he continued to listen half-mindedly to Caroline, throwing in the occasional “yeah”, and “mhm”, or “okay”, until her cry for help, or whatever it was, seemed like it was coming to a close.

“Well obviously this guy thinks he’s hot shit, and clearly he’s not. Caroline you’re too good to be messing around with guys who don’t appreciate you. I mean he hooked up with someone first, and then he went out and did this Valentine’s crap, and he’s mad at you? I mean if anyone has the right to be mad it’s you Caroline. Honestly, I think you should just forget about it, don’t let it bother you.”

“I know, but like, now things are going to be so much more complicated. Like, everything was so much easier when I was with him.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Everything was just like, stress free, like I didn’t have to worry about him or any other boys or whatever. I know it sounds crazy.”

“Caroline, it is crazy. There are like a million other boys at Boston College and I’m sure you won’t have any trouble finding a guy who would make you happy. I mean come on Caroline, you’re hot, and you’re fun, and you’re -”

“I know but, what am I supposed to do about Ian?”

“Fuck it! If he’s at all worth keeping, then he’ll realize what he did wrong and he’ll come back to you and he’ll ask for forgiveness and you can worry about it then. But like, you shouldn’t put up with someone who’s going to treat you like that; you’re too good for him.”

“Yeah, but...

******

Her real name was Molly, but Colby called her ‘Knees’ because she always wore these jeans that were torn just right with two big holes that showed off her knees. She existed just outside of Colby’s circle of friends and he hardly saw her around campus. She liked to keep to herself and she held an air of mystery that completely captured Colby. When they did get together, it seemed to be more about serendipity than anything else. They would lie out in the grass, usually on grass, and when it was too cold to go outside they stayed in bed with way too many blankets while Colby’s roommates watched TV. She wasn’t like any other girls he had met. She had detached herself from all the drama that bothered everybody else, and when Colby was with her he felt that same freedom. It was like something was different about him, he was not himself, not the advice giver, he was free from all that. She was the only girl Colby felt truly comfortable around, but he was afraid that if he tried to pursue a relationship with her, everything he liked about what they had would disappear. So instead he tried to let things happen naturally, by being as far from her as he could without leaving her mind completely.

It was the first Friday in March and Knees was sprawled out in Colby’s lap, looking up at him curiously, like she was waiting for some secret to reveal itself in his face. Colby looked down at her just the same way, his lips pulling themselves into a smile. It would be the perfect time for him to say something like “I can’t believe I have you like this” or “Why are you so cute?” Instead, Colby’s face flashed and he said. “Oh what’s up, Knees!”And she laughed, pulling on his shirt, sitting up so that their lips met halfway, and everything was good.

“So what are you doing tonight?” Knees was now sitting up, perpendicular to Colby, picking at the white threads that had frayed off of the holes in her jeans.

“Umm, I don’t know,” Colby was looking away now too, trying to find an answer somewhere in the corner of the ceiling. “I’ll probably go out to Jackson’s; I think he’s having some people over tonight. What about you?”

“Well,” she paused, pulling on a particularly stubborn thread until it snapped, then turned around to face Colby. “I was gonna see if you wanted to hang tonight. My roommate is out of town so I kind of have the room to myself.”

“Yeah?” He said looking at her, and then looking down, playing with the divide between her jeans and he knees. “We should go to the party and then crash back at your place!”

Knees opened her mouth to say something, but before any words came out Colby sprang up, and grabbed his phone out of his pocket.

“Hey can you call me back later tonight? I’m kind of busy right now. Alright, cool. Talk to you then. Ugh, sorry. That was Caroline, she’s probably having trouble with her boyfriend or whatever again.” He tossed the phone into the couch and ran his hands through his hair, clasping them together at the base of his neck and stretched.

“You know, I think you should really let her deal with her own problems. She’s never really going to get over it if you keep babying her.” She looked right at him.

“Yeah… I mean, you’re right. It’s just, I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” He looked down at his shoes and noticed a stain he hadn’t seen before. “So, do you want to go to that party tonight?”

Before they could go to the party Knees had to stop by her room to shower and get ready. Colby told her that they’d meet at her place around nine and then they could head over to Jackson’s together. While he waited he thought too much, and beat himself up about bringing up Caroline, and played too many games of Free Cell. He realized he was going to be late and thought about stealing someone’s bike so that he would make it on time. But then he thought that if he rode a bike he would look sweaty and red, and Knees would know he was late anyways. So he sent her a text message, rephrasing it seven times before he actually sent it. She didn’t text him back right away, so he walked double time. The cool air burned in his chest as hurried across campus.

When he got to her room, she had just gotten out of the shower and was still putting on her makeup. Colby waited awkwardly, trying not to pay too much attention to the bras and panties on the floor. She came out of the bathroom followed by the smell of flowers and sandstone, and apologized for the room being so dirty.

“My roommate doesn’t do anything.” She said, kicking some of the clothes under one of the beds in the corner of the room.

On the walk over to Jackson’s, Colby told her stories about some of the other parties Jackson was known for. Like the time when they found a can of paint in the parking lot and decided to repaint the walls. The landlord saw the aftermath and made them paint the rest of the apt to match. So the next night Jackson bought six more buckets of paint and called all his friends over again to finish the job. He told her, “If we’re lucky, Jackson will be naked by the end of the night.”

When they got to Jackson’s, the place Colby was greeted with a drunken acclamation from the crowd that had gathered in the living room. He waved off his friends like he was conducting some terrible orchestra and pulled Knees through the crowd and back to Jackson’s room where he kept a private bar. The room was locked during such events, but Colby showed Knees that if you pulled down on the handle and kicked the bottom of the door, then it would pop open. “See that hole? I accidently kicked too hard one night… haha!” He began drinking – fast – like he normally did, and introduced Knees to almost everyone at the party. His friends kept pulling him away from her, leaning forward and looking at him like it was the most serious thing they would ever and say, “She’s really cute man. Like, REALLY cute.” And he laughed them all off, and rubber-banded back to Knees, who kept looking at him sideways, trying to find some secret in his face. And everything, it seemed, was good again.

But after his third or fourth drink, (he couldn’t remember) his pocket started vibrating, and he knew who was calling. He didn’t pick up the first time, “She’s probably just drunk”, but after she called again, and then again once more, he told Knees “be right back,” and headed back to Jackson’s room.

“Caroline, what’s up?” He started making himself another drink.

“Collbyy? Hello?” Her voice was shaky; it sounded like a broken accordion. Colby braced himself for what was going coming next. When she talked it reminded himself of someone learning to ride a bike, all fast at first but eventually she lost control and had to stop and think about she was saying, and after a few moments the whole thing started all over again.

“Oh my god! I don’t even know where I am right now! Like, me and my friends were all together, and we were supposed to have a girls night out but then Melissa got bored and made all of us go to this stupid party, and I didn’t even want to go because I was in a bad mood in the first place, and when we got there I saw Ian! And he was talking to some girl!” She started sobbing on the other end of the line.

“Caroline! Why? Are you drunk? I can barely even understand you! Start over again.”

“No you don’t even understand! Like he was talking to her, and I know that when he talks to girls like that then he just wants to get with them! He did the same thing to me! He’s such an asshole! I can’t even believe it! I’m so sad right now!”

“Caroline where are you right now? Are you still there?”

“No I don’t even know! I’m outside, and I’m all alone, and I don’t know where I am! I left and I just started walking, and I don’t know what to do right now!”

“Caroline, - no, listen to me. If you’re drunk and you’re outside then you need to find the party and get back inside. If a cop sees you then you’re probably – no, listen, listen, Caroline, if a cop sees you you’ll probably get arrested. So you need to go back to the party alright?”

“But that’s where Ian is!” Then she started bawling, and there was nothing Colby could do to make her stop. The flood gates were open and he had to let everything run its course. By the time he was able to calm her down enough to call her friend’s to find her, he had gone through two more drinks. When he tried to stand up, it was like somebody pushed him. He lost his balance and had to sit back down.

“Oh God, I’m drunk.”

He stumbled up and down, and staggered through the hallway looking for Knees who wasn’t where he left her and who didn’t seem to be anywhere inside. He found Jackson, who told him “Nah I don’t know where she is now, but she was looking for you earlier. I told her you were on the phone. She seemed kind of pissed.”

Colby cursed under his breath, and noticed the stain on his shoe once more and said, “Give me a cigarette; I need a cigarette.” He walked outside and almost fell down the stairs to the parking lot, where he saw a girl sitting on the curb in front of the apartment smoking cigarettes.

“Molly? I was just looking for you.”

“I thought you always called me ‘Knees’.” She stood up, turning to face Colby and took a big drag from her cigarette, which she then flicked to the ground, scraping it out with her shoe.

“What?”

“Well obviously you’re drunk.” She started digging through her purse for something, while Colby tried to figure out what he’d said.

“Are you mad at me because I talked to Caroline?” He said, hoping he wasn’t swaying as much as Knees’ oscillating image suggested.

“No Colby, I’m mad at you because I’m having a great time.” Her arms were now crossed in front of her chest and her eyes gleamed. It was the saddest thing Colby had ever seen.

“Look, she was having trouble -”

“Yeah with her boyfriend, Colby, I know. But seriously! Why do you always put up with her? All I wanted to do was spend some time with you tonight, but instead you take me to a party where I don’t know anyone, all the girls are giving me nasty looks, and then you ditch me to talk to Caroline?”

“What? Why are you so mad? Really? I didn’t do anything.”

“Yeah, EXACTLY. I just wanted to spend some time with you tonight, it’s not like we ever hang out. You never call,” Colby noticed small red patches spreading across cheeks. Her bottom lip quivered and tears started welling up and illuminating her stony green eyes, which usually seemed so tired and faded. “I only came out tonight because I thought it would make you happy. But really it was just a waste of time. Now you’re wasted. God, how can you be so stupid Colby!” A single tear fell down Molly’s cheek. It rolled slowly at first, carelessly sliding across her face, leaving a thin trail. Colby tried to think of what to say, how he could tell her why he refused to let himself get close to her. How everything he did that kept them apart was meant to keep them together. He stepped forward and opened his arms, but she drew back, still staring at him, shaking her head. He took another step forward, reaching out for Molly, but she drew back even further. Another tear fell out of her eye.

“Let me walk you back to your room.”

“Stop it Colby.”

“Just let me, just let me walk you back.”

“Colby no! I already called one of my friends. Go back to your party, I’m sure everyone is waiting on you.”

Colby hated himself for being drunk. He hated Caroline for calling him. He hated Knees for wanting him. His mind churned over itself, faces, promises, days with Molly flashed at a terrible speed. He wanted to hold her, tell her it was alright, and that he was sorry and he never meant to hurt her, but she kept backing away, piercing him with her tear glistened eyes.

“Go, Colby. Leave me alone. Go call Caroline, or Hailey, or go back to all those girls inside, leave me alone.” The tears, which had been falling one at a time, began to run freely from her eyes.

“Fine. Sorry. Sorry I care about my friends, sorry that when somebody calls I just don’t blow them off. Sorry that I do more than just sit around and smoke weed all da-”

A bottle tossed off a balcony smashed on the sidewalk in front of the apartment behind them.

“Fuck you.”

“I, didn’t - I didn’t mea-”

“No, fuck you.”

Colby fell against the side of the hallway in Jackson’s apartment, tripping over several people who were passed out in the living room. When he made it outside at to the stairs it looked like there were twice as many steps leading downstairs to the outside of the building. Holding onto both handrails Colby slowly let himself down, step by step. He took the last four stairs too quickly and landed hard on his side at the bottom, resting there before attempting to get up. Still lying on the ground, Colby noticed an old bike that had been thrown into a bush just in front of him. He thought about what Molly told him one time, “a bike will balance itself once you start moving.”

Some of the links on the bike chain were bent, the gears jammed and the biked lurched forward suddenly when Colby pedaled. Both tires were flat and when he pulled on the left brake, the bike showed no desire to slow down. “This fucking bike is just as drunk as I am”. Colby rode unbalanced, wobbling back and forth down University Drive. He was nearing the gates to campus when, from in front of him, around the corner, headlights appeared. Colby felt himself on the pavement. His head was wet, but warm. His hands were cold. He could see the trees above him blurring together.

Colby opened his eyes and he was laying, but sitting up, in a strange white bed. He moved his arm and felt something tugging on the back of his hand. Then, without warning, his stomach lurched, and Colby doubled over, dry heaving into his lap. Every time his body convulsed he felt like his head was about to split open. He let a little dribble drool out onto his lap, then sat back against the bed and closed his eyes, trying to piece together the night. He remembered the car, and he remembered the bike. He tried going back further, but could only remember walking back up the stairs from the parking lot. He felt an overwhelming sense of dread and knew that there was something just beneath the surface. The doorknob click and two nurses walked in carrying food trays. One of them came to his bedside and set down his meal.

“Well, well, now look who’s awake. You had a rough night last night didn’t you Mr. Martin.” She didn’t look at him when she talked, focusing her attention instead on his food and I.V. bag. The other nurse was behind the curtain that separated Colby from his roommate.

“Nurse?”

“Yes honey?” She paused from her duties and looked at Colby over her glasses.

“What exactly happened to me last night?” As he said this, he could hear a sniffle from behind his roommate’s curtain.

“Well, you were brought into the emergency room at four in the morning, head bleeding, all black and blue, with a blood alcohol level of .223. You’re lucky kid, if you weren’t so drunk you’d probably have broken a lot more than just your head.”

“Oh… What happened to my clothes, do you have my phone?”

“We have everything here for you, but don’t think you’re going anywhere any time soon. The doctor wants to get a couple more pictures of your head before he lets you go.”

By the time Colby got his phone back, it was almost out of battery. He went straight to the recent calls, hoping the activity on his phone would help him recall his night. The only person he called last night was Caroline. “So much for that.” He snapped his phone shut and was about to turn it off when he noticed something he hadn’t seen before. The background had been changed to a picture of him and Knees, who was sprawled out on his lap, sitting on the couch in his room. Then he remembered what happened. He remembered their argument, and Caroline, and even the beer bottle that got smashed right after he called her a pot head. Then he remembered how he went back inside, and started drinking until he threw up, and then drinking some more. He flipped his phone open again. They both looked so happy in that picture. He was wearing the hemp necklace she made for him, and she was looking at him with that look like she was trying to find secrets behind his face. Her head cocked to the side, eyebrows drawn slightly together, her lips smiling, though she couldn’t tell why, and her eyes tired and faded, looking up at him patiently.